Job searching, soul searching, and self doubt

Most people can agree that the job searching process can be daunting and stressful. People will groan when they see a link to upload a resume, followed by a blank space where it’s required to manually enter every part of your education and employment history that’s already included in your resume (seriously, why are we still having to do this?) People will share the basics – they applied to a few places, got a couple interviews, and after what feels like forever, they finally got the job. Of course it was tough, but it all worked out! But what about all the in-between details no one likes to talk about? You know…the part of the process that makes us doubt our self worth? Or second guess our decision to even pursue a Master’s degree in the first place?

Every time I have had a conversation about job searching, I’ve almost felt like a fraud. It seems everyone else has had a very different experience than what I have, and I go along and pretend I’m in the same boat. To others the job hunt comes off as a normal, albeit annoying, part of life. A nuisance at worst. So was I the only one who found it to be emotionally straining, anxiety-inducing, or making me question everything I thought about my career and myself as a person?

When I was starting to feel like I had outgrown a job I had been at for a couple years, I went into the job search feeling confident. After all, I had an education from top universities, a decent amount of experience working at a well-known health organization, and wonderful references who I knew would give stellar recommendations. I applied to every job posting that came my way, I scored 98/100 on qualifying entrance exams for various departments, and still, nothing. It was a kick in the gut. I did everything I was “supposed” to do – good grades, a full time job, and strong professional relationships along the way. I spent almost a year searching for a new job before giving up and deciding to stay put. I thought maybe I needed to gain more work experience, so I waited it out. Eventually, almost 4 years flew by and I was still there.

I was constantly watching colleagues leave for new opportunities. I was hearing about peers and friends getting new jobs in the health care field; here I was feeling totally stuck. I didn’t understand where I had gone wrong. I tried following a similar path but nothing was working out for me. I started feeling worthless, and on top of being burnt out by my current job, my underlying anxiety and depression reared its ugly head and I just didn’t have motivation to do anything anymore. I eventually decided to set a deadline to quit that job in a year, no matter what my situation was – whether I had another job lined up or not. I just wanted out. I don’t know if that was the best way to go about it, but I truly don’t regret it. I knew that If i didn’t give myself an end date I would have stayed at that job forever, always wondering what if?

Of course, through all of this, I didn’t really share my struggles with anyone, and that is something I deeply regret. I didn’t reach out to people at work, I didn’t tell my family about how broken I was feeling, and aside from my partner, no one really knew what was going on. I kept it all hidden because I felt ashamed. I felt that if I could sneak attack my way out of this – make a plan to quit and find a new job before leaving my current one, that I would have gotten away with this secret and I could leave my job with dignity. I know now that If I had opened up to people, it certainly would have made for a far less isolating experience than what I put myself through. Because in the end, I did get a job offer right as I was leaving my position, but because I had carried that shame and guilt with me that whole year, I accepted the job offer out of fear of not getting another one. Deciding to leave a job because you aren’t growing from it, and then jumping at the next job purely out of fear of not getting any other offers, is probably the worst way to handle a career change. It is no surprise then that I left that new job soon after.

I wish I had heard about people’s struggles with the job search and career transitions, beyond just the basics. I wish I could have shared how daunting and scary the process was, and invited more people to be a part of it so I didn’t have to face it alone. Through all this turmoil however, my job search led to a soul search journey, and I started prioritizing taking care of myself, physically and mentally, including sharing my struggles with my family and friends, going to therapy, cooking, going to the gym, and recognizing my triggers. I started learning to let go of the stigma of ‘failing‘, and just accepting that there are different ways to lead a fulfilling and successful life. Starting a new journey of freelance writing is definitely an unexpected step in my path, but it’s one I’m choosing out of hope, not fear, and I’m excited to see where it goes.

What has been your experience with job searching, and has there even been a time where the process led to self doubt? Share in the comments below!